I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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