I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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