a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She has the best kind of daddy issues
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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