He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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