I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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