I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize