I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
