I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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