So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
