i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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