shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
