You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
