: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
