marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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