The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
