I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
