I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
