I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
