Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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