the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
