I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
