My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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