Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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