What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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