I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
