I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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