I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
