3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize