As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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