I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
