nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
