I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
