tell your sister to shave her snatch
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
