Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Randomize
