Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
