You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
