my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
