She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
