I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
