I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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