Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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