did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
