my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
