So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
