Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
