remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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