the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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