so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
