Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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