i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
