dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
