I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize