Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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