Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
