Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
