Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
time to smoke my breakfast
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
