in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
