remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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