i will never coherently bang her
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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