i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
