Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We left the knife in your bed.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
