Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
false alarm. still invincible.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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