you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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