im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
