Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
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