I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
