true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
