I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
