god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
